It’s the season for change - growing, adapting, changing with grace
Bridie and Pandora are two older women who share some of their changes — the things they have learnt — from the practical to the philosophical.
Stephen Hawking once said: “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change”. People who use drugs must be super bright, because we are amazing adaptors. We completely changed the way we inject when HIV threatened our lives, hep C damaged our health and COVID has challenged us all. But one of the biggest changes comes from the way we each grow as we age, learning to deal with responsibilities, failing health, damaged veins and a lifetime of stigma and discrimination.
Bridie: How to inject till your 100
As an older injector of many years, I have had to overcome a lot of obstacles to keep using a needle. My veins have regularly objected and I have had to work out how to stay a jump ahead. That has meant changing equipment types and places of injection several times and learning to pay attention to my body.
I have found that every time I change fit brands and fit types, it’s a while before the new equipment becomes as well understood and you can do the dance without thinking too much. But I do think it is worth experimenting. Making sure I am using the right equipment has been a key factor in being able to keep injecting into my 60s.
One of the best changes I made in recent years was learning to use a barrel with a butterfly (winged infusion set). I don’t use regular 1ml fits at all anymore.
There are a number of advantages. I have had to get creative around which veins I use, and currently favour those small veins around my hands. The great thing about butterflies is that the needle has no lip, so you can get the needle absolutely flat against your skin and get in at a better angle for those smaller veins. You don’t have to jack back because you can see if you have a vein straightaway — a small amount of blood enters the tubing a few millimetres in. And once the needle is in, it doesn’t move, so you are not going to lose your vein. Another advantage is that you can attach a bigger barrel and that means you can use more liquid than a 1ml fit. Because your drugs are more diluted, even if you lose a little you are ok. Compare that to a 1ml fit where every drop can be worth $10!
The disadvantage is that you can’t get butterflies for free at a Needle and Syringe Program (NSP) in NSW. You can get tips in differing levels of fineness at an NSP, as well as 1ml, 3ml or 5ml barrels. If you want larger barrels (10ml or 20ml) and butterflies, you need to buy them at a pharmacy that stocks injection equipment or order online. You can buy a box of 50 butterflies on a medical supplies website for a very reasonable amount. Buying in bulk is worth it because you can only use butterflies (and barrels) once, just like any other piece of injecting equipment — then you have to throw them out. There is a high risk of serious infection if you rinse and reuse. Butterflies are also high risk because they carry a large amount of blood.
I have found that the more I know, respect and protect my body, the better the injecting experience is for me. I do all the usual harm reduction stuff no matter what injection equipment I’m using. I make sure I use new equipment and I swab, sanitise and always filter. It‘s worth it to not have dirty hits, abscesses, endocarditis, blood borne viruses or COVID in your life. I’ve had my share of infections, including a spinal abscess which really hurt a lot, and I’ve learnt my lesson well.
““I have found that the more I know, respect and protect my body, the better the injecting experience is for me. I do all the usual harm reduction stuff no matter what injection equipment I’m using.””
Learning my body and working with it has helped a lot. I discovered my vein routes, and spent time feeling the pathways, learning the bounce of healthy veins, the hardness of scar and what it feels like when the needle is ‘in’. Noticing all the little things that add up to a satisfactory injection. I found out that eating well and drinking water got my blood pressure up and my body hydrated. Which got my veins standing to attention, ready for a shot.
These days I also help my veins along by using a tourniquet. I never needed one when I was younger because my veins were always very obvious. But now they play hide and seek, I find using a tourniquet is very helpful. I have a good cloth one with a quick release clip. They are cheap as chips online and really worth the effort to learn how to use one properly.
Oh and one last thing — when you’re hunting for a vein, a bit of creative visualisation never hurts. A friend of mine says he always has a quick word to his body telling it to be nice and accept the offering!
Pandora: Older and wiser
I have found that as I grow older, my relationship to drugs has changed.
Why? Well, I got responsibilities. Once I became a Mum and had to support a family financially and emotionally, my priorities changed. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy a taste, and sometimes I even feel like I need one. But these days I see drugs as a ‘treat’ rather than a way of life.
When I was younger, I was homeless because all my money went on coke and gear. Getting money always triggered using as a first response.
Money = drugs = money.
But once I had kids I had to learn how to manage my money or they suffered, and that just wasn’t acceptable. I didn’t give up my drugs, but I did learn how to forgo my treat if there are bills to be paid. I don’t even automatically spend any extra money that comes my way on drugs.
I actually make a decision before I use — it’s not the knee jerk reaction it used to be.
That control, along with motherhood, has made me a lot more patient. I’ve held onto my shot for a whole day until I could get home, which is something I would never have done in my younger years.
When I do use, I am also thinking of the kids. To start with, they don’t need to know about my using. Second, I simply cannot afford to overdose or even be drug sick, and I need to keep to my routine so the boys have a stable home and a healthy mother. They are not little any more but they still need me.
““ ... once I had kids I had to learn how to manage my money or they suffered, and that just wasn’t acceptable.””
That means I’m a lot more cautious with the types of drugs I use, stay mostly with gear (heroin) and stick with my known source. If I have to see someone else, I try a smaller amount first, to be sure I am not going to drop.
I don’t want you to think I have a ‘Mother of the Year’ trophy or even a ‘World‘s Best Mum’ mug. Kids aren’t the only reason my relationship with drugs has changed. To start with, I am on a methadone program and while it can be a pain in the arse, I do owe it a lot. It allowed me to transition from scoring as a necessity and being constantly broke, to scoring for pleasure when I could afford to. That helped me to get into a routine that fit with most of the rest of NSW — getting up in the morning, sleeping at night! — leading to an organised lifestyle and the means to support myself. Which all meant I have ended up a pretty good Mum (if I do say so myself), if not a perfect one!
I have also had to use differently because age has given me difficult veins, and it takes much longer to inject than it used to. I have to wait to use till I can take my time. For me, that is at home, in the safety of my locked bathroom. I can’t handle the stress of worrying about being caught if I’m taking too long in a public restroom.
Usually I wait for my shot till my boys have gone to bed or gone out. But if I’m having one of ‘those days’ and can’t wait any longer, I pretend to be taking a bath! So some things never change. Because of how we are seen by the world, we still gotta tell little white lies sometimes. No matter how capable we feel we are, or how safely we try to use, we are seen as out-of-control and out-of-place addicts with no value to society.
Now this is the best thing that has come from getting older: It’s not just my relationship to drugs that has changed, it’s my relationship to myself. I used to believe that stuf fabout myself, but I don’t anymore. I know the truth. I know that people who use drugs are people like anyone else and unlike anyone else. We are smart, interesting, creative and uniquely ourselves. We love our families and our friends. We work hard at our jobs. We clean the house and walk the dog. We try to be healthy. We make mistakes. We grow. We even come together as a community, and as a community, we are learning to look after each other.
I like being part of that.